Parents today!

I recognize I am not a perfect parent. I’ve made my mistakes - two particularly heinous ones, for which I will always feel guilty - but, for the most part, I think I have my priorities straight. However, it must be said…what IS IT with parents these days???

There is a very sweet girl that lives in my apartment complex that is in Taylor’s class. She was student of the month in Taylor’s class the month right after Taylor was. I encourage that friendship! TThere’s also another boy, Caleb, that is Taylor’s age, that is also very sweet and respectful. He is among the few that I like Taylor playing with. There are different calibers of kids around here - the kind that I WANT Taylor playing with (very few), the majority that are Ok for Taylor to play with, and the few that she is just not allowed to play with at all (the real trouble-makers).  But their parents!!!

Last night, I was outside, and I saw Janet’s father and other siblings going for a walk. A few minutes later, Taylor told me that Janet had gone home to find the door locked and no one there. I gave the father the benefit of the doubt, telling Taylor that Janet was either told and forgot, or wasn’t listening when he DID tell her. I base that assumption on the mere fact that Janet carries some kind of timer with her to the playground, and has to go “check in” every time it goes off. Great idea!! A parent that does that, is NOT just going to go off without notifying their child! Still, I don’t understand a parent that makes their child check in every so often, but will go off and leave a seven year old completely alone on the playground, with no one left at home.

I was trying to explain to Taylor that it’s probably not what it seems, who was worried for Janet, when Caleb’s mother pulls up in her car on the street, asking if I knew where her son was. Understandable, so I told her that I hadn’t seen him, and Taylor said the last she knew, he invited Janet to go to HIS house. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. Here’s where I feel the situation went askew. She calls out that she TOLD him she needed to run some errands, and off she went. She LEFT not even KNOWING WHERE HER 8 YR OLD SON WAS!!! She’s a single mother, and Caleb is her only child. There was no one at home.

I get particularly upset about this because I am ALWAYS the one that has to take responsibility for these scared children that come up to my door wondering why they can’t get into their apartment, cuz no one is answering the door. This has happened at least 2 or 3 times with different children. What am I suppose to do?? I can’t just leave them to fend for themselves, not even knowing what’s going on. And yet, feel extremely resentful that I have been forced into this position! I can’t just let them come into my apartment because their parents won’t know what happened to them when they’re not on the playground!

Another point that I am really bitter about, is that, because I am the ONLY parent that actually lives RIGHT THERE at the playground (they come from all over the complex), I end up being the one to nurse every wound. And these are not serious injuries. Most of the time, it’s a little scrape, or someone has pushed or hit someone else, and they knock on MY door to fix it for them, and to deal with the situation. It’s one thing if I happened to be outside when it happens. It’s another to actually come knocking on my door! Why don’t they GO HOME to their parents to look after it? It’s not like they’re unable to walk! And another thing, who put the invisible sign on my door that says, “public restroom, come one, come all” ???? Just because they’re playing with my children doesn’t mean they have to use my bathroom just because it’s closer and convenient!

Parents just aren’t teaching their children the proper etiquette these days! If I found out that another parent had to deal with a situation with my child, I would explain to my children that if they can WALK, they are to come to ME, not someone else! And certainly NOT invite yourself in to use their bathroom just because you’re too lazy to go home!! Now, I understand that children sometimes abandon what they’ve been taught and forget their manners. I’m always worried that mine will when they go to someone’s house. But the trick is to keep reinforcing! Everytime they go, I go over it again with them. It’s not enough to just say in passing, “That’s rude, don’t do that.” You have to really hammer it home! Every time! All the time! Consistency is key, here! It seems to be working for me because I always hear later how impressed they were at how polite my children are.

Again, I am FAR from perfect, but above all else, at the very least, my children WILL have manners, and will know the polite course of action for every situation. I seem to be the ONLY one that teaches them NEVER to ask for food at someone else’s house. You WAIT to be offered, even if you ARE hungry! There are kids that actually come over just to ask for a snack!! If I’m with them in someone else’s home, they are to come to ME to ask, and I will determine if they can or can’t. If other children do that to me, I correct them! I’m nice about it, but I inform them that it is rude to do. I ordered a pizza the other night, and when I came to the door, a kid that I barely even know, was standing there with the delivery man. At first, he joked about having the pizza. As I’m paying for it, he said “Seriously, can I have just half a slice?” What the hell??? I said no, that I had enough children to feed for the night. I really wanted to lecture him about how inappropriate that was, but I had hungry children (I also had an additional child who’s father just dumped her in my lap RIGHT at dinner time saying he had an AA meeting to go to, which was the reason I ordered the pizza - geez!) and the delivery man was still standing there.

I also am the only parent - around here - that tells them NOT to look in other people’s windows! And not to play too close to windows either! I have to keep chasing children away that keep cupping their eyes at my kitchen window to see what we’re doing as we’re trying to eat dinner!!! Good grief people!!!

When did I turn into the mother of every child in the complex????

“Intellect” vs. “smart”

Allow me, if you will, to contemplate the difference between those two terms. My mother once explained it to me, but it was much later that I understood it on a personal level. I know a lot of smart people. My ex-husband is one of them. He is extremely smart. But he is not an intellectual. There’s really no difference in IQ, and one is not necessarily “better” than the other. It is simply a different approach to intelligence.

A smart person grasps concepts quickly, and learns at a faster rate than others. They are very logistically oriented, pragmatic and organized. They are usually high-achievers, and successful in their work and almost anything they decide they want to do. They’re typically ambitious, and place high importance on monetary gain. They usually concern themselves with status and acknowledgment. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with this. It just is. Everyone likes nice stuff. I dream of having the big house, important job, and vacations to exotic places the same as everyone else. The only difference is, I don’t have it…yet.

“Intellectuals”, on the other hand, are inquisitive and have a hunger for knowledge. They usually have an interest in a great many things - not for any particular reason or purpose, but just to know. This is the group that often knows a little about a lot of things, but not a lot about any one thing. They’re not always ambitious or successful, and generally have an appreciation for “quality”, rather than ”quantity”, of life. People with high IQs, but little material acheivement typically make up a large part of this category. I met a man last year that could TALK MY EAR OFF about quantum physics, who was, of all things, a carpet cleaner that drove a beat-up “mystery machine”. Another one I met, had a fascinating perspective on theology and metaphysics, who’d just gotten out of jail and had trouble holding down a job for more than a couple of months at a time.

I’m not saying that “smart” people all have limited interests, or that “intellectuals” are always slackers. There are exceptions to every rule. But if you take each as a group, this is what I have found to be the case. Now, I bet you’re wondering with which one I associate myself. I prefer not to comment on that. It really doesn’t matter. If I say that I’m “smart”, it could mean that I’m “superficial and materialistic”, if I say that I’m an “intellectual”, then, by definition, that could generate images of a homeless bohemian sitting on a street corner, pondering the kinetic elements of a circle. Both have their fair share of gifts and faults.

It’s just interesting to note the difference itself. The more important question is, which one are you?

Sooooooo tired…

That’s it. That’s all I really wanted to say. I’m just sooooo tired! Stayed up until 2:30am AGAIN!! And as always, as I was reaching over to set my glasses down on the side table, I looked at the clock and asked myself out loud for the thousandth time, “Megan, why do you do this to yourself?”

It’s not insomnia. They toss and turn all night. I assure you, when my head hits the pillow, I am dead to the world until the alarms rips me stubbornly from my slumber. I believe that is a side effect from sleeping next to a man for 6 years that never let me sleep more than an hour at a time before he was shaking me awake in some way due to my thunderous snoring (his most effective technique was to lift his entire body off the bed and come slamming down to jolt me awake). I just can’t seem to even get into bed before the wee hours of morning. What do I do until then? Any number of things really. I talk on the phone, I surf the net, I do homework, I work on new songs, I watch TV etc.

 I’ve always been a night owl. As far back as I can remember. My favorite shift to work has always been 2nd. It allowed me to get what I needed to done during the day, go to work, and miss rush hour traffic to come home to a niiiiice, quiiiiiet house. Ahhhhh. That’s not really feasible anymore, and I do miss it. But my body clock has never really been able to change that routine.

Oh well, maybe tonight will be different. Yeah right. I say that every night!

My Mom

I just wanted to stop a moment and appreciate my mother. She is the wisest, most honest, compassionate, and generous person I know. Somehow she always knows exactly what I need to hear, and knows me better than anyone else on earth. And not because she raised me, but because she wants to. She’s the only person I can call at 11pm at night to talk about my hair, and vice versa. She’s the one person I’m ALWAYS happy to see or hear from anytime and all the time. I find that amazing. I just never get tired of her! lol

The other night, I’d had a really bad day. I mean, REALLY, REALLY bad. I called her almost in tears. Without really saying what it was that I was really upset about, she said, “Why don’t I bring over some coffee, and we’ll just talk.” It was 10pm at night, but not only did she come over, she brought crescents and chocolate covered pretzels (my FAVORITE chocolate candy). She stayed until midnight, and I felt sooooo much better. How awesomely great is that?! I am so blessed.

I mean, ok, I don’t have a boyfriend, or a date, or even the possibility of a date, but I do have my mom. And, in the absence of romantic unconditional love and acceptance, she’s a great substitute! =) I really don’t know what I’d do without her.

I think about getting a job closer to their father, but they seem to need her more than they appear to need him. They tell her things they don’t tell me. She encourages them and listens to them in a way that he doesn’t. I’ve asked them how they would feel about it, but they don’t want to leave their “Oma”. I waited 5 years to live near my parents so that the kids would grow up with a relationship to their grandparents. I guess I’m just not ready to give that up yet. Not alone, anyway.

My mom is my rock, my cheerleader, and my kick in the butt when I need it. We can talk about anything - politics, books, TV shows, movies, theories, science, relationships - everything under the sun. We see eachother all the time and NEVER run out of things to say. That still boggles my mind. I just adore her - not because she’s my mother, but because she is the absolute best friend anyone could ever ask for.

So, today, my “gratitude” list is my mom.

Great new website!!!

Ok, so I was researching as much as I could about the garageband software program, and stumbled upon a fantastic website for “independent musicians”. It’s www.garageband.com. From what I could tell, it doesn’t directly relate to the software itself, but I’m under the impression that most of these musicians mix/record their own music using that, and other music software. They have their own music genres that you can check out and even have their own music charts (including best female vocals, best male vocals, best lyrics, best music etc). I really like it, because all of these people are doing the same thing I am!! Except that these people are actually trying to break into the business, and I am merely trying to find a way to channel my passion.

Here’s the coolest part: you rate, like, 200 songs from other “indies” and you get to submit a song to the website. You can sidestep that and pay fees, but “fees” is a 4-letter word in my vocabulary. No thank you. Plus, I think I’d enjoy reviewing other people’s stuff! Anyway, if your song starts rising on their charts, and makes it to the top, you have a chance to have radio airplay of that song!!! Isn’t that just insanely cool??!!

*sigh* Yet another reason to continue salivating for my mac mini…

A fascinating occurrence

An interesting thing happened this morning. It was hours before I realized just how “interesting” it was. But before I get to the actual event, allow me first to explain a little bit about what I’ve been working on…

As some of you may know, there’s been a lot of hype about Ekhart Tolley’s new book, “The New Earth”. While I haven’t actually read it yet, my mom has told me enough about it that I almost feel an authority on the subject myself! It really is good stuff. I’ve been thinking about the principles of it a lot since hearing about it. The coolest part is, it ties together everything I’ve learned about “The Secret”, the power of energy, the power of the mind, the soul, the gospels in the Bible - even feng shui!!

For those who don’t already know, Tolley talks about the peace, serenity, and power that comes with just “being”. Everything else is just mindless chatter. Once you become aware of this simple, but resonating fact, you also become aware that all of that “mindless chatter” is predominantly negative. Think about it. What do you find yourself mentally dwelling upon? Money, bills, appearance, judgments, painful memories, personal desires, and most importantly, how difficult it is to have all of that or get over any of it. You’re constantly trying to, but fail to see that THAT is the biggest problem. Even by focusing on the positive, you’re still not quite hitting the mark. Because Tolley’s entire point, is that there is no real “focusing” at all. You. Just. Be. Exist. Draw life. That is all. Like as Jesus said, “Look at the lillies in the field. They do not toil, and they do not sow. And yet Soloman, in all his splendor and riches, was not dressed so well.” I’m paraphrasing. Lillies do nothing but exist, yet they have everything they need.

At first, I kinda scoffed at it, “Well, then what do you do, just sit around like a slug?” But no. You get up, you do what you want to do for that day, and you go to sleep. You don’t worry about, “Oh if I don’t get this done…” or “I have to make sure this happens…” with an underlying fear of the consequences if you don’t.

So now, I get up. I have my coffee. I go outside. I look at the trees, and the birds flying here and there. I hear the sound of the wind, and how it brushes across my face like an invisible kiss. I see the color of grass, and the pattern of the bricks on the houses across the street. I feel the energy from the constant stream of life all around me. There’s SO MUCH of it. It’s incredible. I once heard that there’s is enough life on earth to fill 10 planets. Imagine how much energy that is! And we’re all connected to it because we’re all made from the same stuff - beyond the cells, the nuclear elements, beyond even the atom, is simply energy. MASSIVE amounts of it. I think of that “energy” as the divine pieces from God, of God, and is God - at the core of us all. And THAT is how God is connected to us, around us, and connects us to eachother and every living thing on earth AT ALL TIMES.

Deep, huh? Yeah, I know. People go around trying to discover our purpose and the meaning of life. But the greater purpose is life itself, and THAT is meaningful! I think that is the fundamental truth that Tolley is trying to get at.

Ok, so I’ve been doing this everyday for the last, oh, week or so I guess. Not really seeing any external changes in my life, and not expecting any. Then this morning…

True coffee lovers will understand just how important that very first cup of coffee is. I had waited patiently while it brewed, and was now finally getting a chance to enjoy it. Now, me, I “doctor” my coffee. Not just with milk and sugar (yuck), but with french vanilla cream, and Splenda Mocha packets (the best invention since coffee filters, if you ask me). The cup was filled almost to the brim. I finished stirring it - old baby spoons make excellent stirrers, btw - and went to take it off the counter. For some reason, my hand slipped and the coffee cup started to fall. I managed to catch it, but the SCALDING HOT coffee splashed all over my hand! THAT made me drop it. Not only did the cup break, but a large amount of coffee was now covering a large portion of my freshly-mopped-yesterday kitchen floor. I just stood there and stared at it. Coffee had spilled ALL OVER ME, but thankfully, the burning sensation had ceased. Here’s the thing. I didn’t get upset! I mean, AT ALL!!! I had no reaction whatsoever. Not only did I have a huge mess, and my clothes were stained, but I didn’t even get to take one sip of the coffee I’d waited for until after I got my daughter off to school, and fixed breakfast for the other kids. But I was not in the least upset. I just got out my floormate, cleaned up the mess, changed my clothes, and made another cup of coffee. I even thought, “Well, now there’s a large portion of the floor that’s cleaner than it was an hour ago…” lol

I went outside, and looked at the trees, felt the air, saw the birds and the buildings, and watched how the grass bends and almost ripples with the wind…it wasn’t for hours before I realized just how significant that was and that this inner peace that I have been attaining is actually working!! That’s not to say I’m “Ghandi” or anything. Afterall, when my son failed AGAIN to “poo on the potty seat” this morning, I was very disappointed! But to experience such calm in the face of a truly heinous event (to me), was HUGE!

So, I thought I’d blog about it.

Kids today!

What is it with the total lack of respect with kids today??

Last night, Taylor comes running up to me, practically in tears saying, “A boy rode off on my bike!” She’d seen it from the window. I walked outside, and her bike was gone with no kids in sight. So I went over to the parking lot on the other side of the building across from me. Sure enough, there were 4 boys around the ages of 10 or 11, one on a skateboard, one on a scooter, and one…riding Taylor’s bike! I didn’t recognize any of them and I know most of the kids that live around here because they all play together at the playground right outside my door.

I called out to the little blonde hoodlum, “Hey! I believe that bike belongs to my daughter.” He rides up to me, and getting off the bike, says “Well, it was just sitting there on the sidewalk.” Ok, this was not the attitude I felt he should be taking about a bike that he had every intention of stealing. So, I responded with, “Oh, so that means it’s just free for the taking?” “Uh, I dunno” I took the bike and said, “I’ve got a very upset little girl in there right now. If this happens again, I’m coming looking for you,” in a calm, but stern voice. This kid had the gall to mutter as he’s walking away, “Well, I don’t even live here…”

I should’ve grabbed my cell phone before I went out there. I really just wanted to tell him, “You know what? You’re right. Why don’t we just call the police and get this straightened out!” and then watched them all scatter. lol

I mean, really! Why would a boy want to take a girls bike anyway? It’s pink and purple for pete’s sake! When I was a kid, I remember engaging in harmless shenanagans (yes, I really did just use the word “shenanagans”). Who among my generation isn’t familiar with the tried and true knocking on someone’s door and hiding where you could watch them come to the door, look around and scratch their head? Good ‘ol fashioned fun. BUT, when I was occasionally caught, I would dutifully hang my head and respond and agree whenever asked any kind of question.

What’s happened since then?? It’s like there’s been a total breakdown in the very fiber of respect! It’s events like this that makes me fear for our future. This kid will be voting one day!! *sigh* When my 7-year-old becomes a doctor , I hope she “forgets” the painkillers when he wanders into her ER. LOL

On a positive note…

My last post was written in a state of frustration at the inequity that defines the outsider’s perspective into my life. Looking back, it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do, as it has alienated a lot of people and invited critisizm. My sister read it and offered some very valid points. I shouldn’t waste my time with such negativity. It’s not good for the soul.

I’m needing to attract a more positive outlook. In truth, my life isn’t exactly the way I want it to be and I take full responsibility for that, knowing I have all of the power. That being said, I want to take a moment to reflect on the things I am most grateful for today. My sister gave me the idea, and it’s a great one. Hmmm, that’s the second thing I’ve credited her in two paragraphs. She must be pretty wise! =) (shout-out to Amber! lol)

1) What a beautiful day! The sun is shining and it’s warming up again! After the flooding rains of late, this is just what the doctor ordered!

2) I am grateful that my son actually “poo’d in the potty seat”. He’s regressed a bit over the last few days, so this was a welcome act to witness. It shows we’re still headed in the right direction. YAY!!

3) I am still INSANELY excited to know that I will soon be able to record my songs and have fun with them using the mac mini that I will be getting soon!!! It will be mine. OH YES. It will be mine…

4) I’m getting back on track with school. I’ve let go of my actual performance and choose to instead focus on doing my best. Now, I’m concentrating on just getting it all done before the end of the semester. I’ve slacked so much recently that I’ve created quite a time crunch, but I feel great about hatching a schedule/plan to get it all done.

5)  I have a GREAT headstart on summer clothes for the kids. Nothing short of a blessing from God that I was able to get $150 worth of free clothes at Macy’s and Target! Again - YAY! They’re far from having enough yet, but definitely a good chunk. And I have a washer and dryer…

6) I’m grateful for my washer and dryer!!! 2 years of carting clothes up and down in a 2nd floor apartment being pregnant is enough to make any woman worship her own laundry machines for life! I have a new appreciation of them lately because of potty-training mishaps, and my cat’s wayward pee’ing habits (I’m mentioning potty training a lot, I know, it somehow takes over your life…lol)

7) I’m grateful for my family and for the first time in a LONG time, having no rivalry or upset to complain about! In our family, it’s a rarity and one deserving of appreciation when it happens. =)

8 ) My ex-husband and I have a great relationship. He’s changed a lot, and has become much less controlling, less rigid, more flexible and more generous. He respects my authority with the children and I respect his when they’re there. It’s a good dynamic. He’s even gone as far as to admit that he thinks I’m a wonderful mother! I recognize that this isn’t common among exes and makes life so much easier when trying to work together for the kids. It’s good for them, too, to see us getting along so well. Makes them feel more secure.

9) My eldest child, Taylor, has been officially placed in “advanced” math and made a PERFECT SCORE on her achievement test. Straight A’s across the board on her latest report card!! I must be doing SOMETHING right, cuz I KNOW those smart genes didn’t come from me! lol My brother got all of them (btw, Aaron you SUCK! =))

10) I will finally have 2 children in school this fall, which gives me what I see as my first real opportunity to go back to work and make some extra money! I am so EXCITED!!

Ok, I think I’ll stop there for now. Wow. That really works! I actually feel better! Everyone should try this. Even when you know all of the good in your life, it somehow helps to write it down and put it out there!! Good karma, too. =)

At dinner time, I used to ask the girls their favorite part of today. I’ve decided to change that. For the last few days, we’ve been going around the table saying 3 things we’re grateful for. I think this is better than the former because it forces them to stop and consider even the smallest things that brought them a little bit of joy today. It’s great for me too, because I love to hear their perspective on the things that mean the most to them. So, with this list, I’ve got a headstart for my turn at the dinner table tonight! Heheh!

A decade-long dream come true…

I saw my friend, Steve, on Monday. He asked me, “So, any new man in your life yet?” Usually, my initial reaction is simply to laugh. This time, I said, “As a matter of fact, yes. His name is Mac.” As in, MACintosh.

My parents just got a new Mac Mini. Apparently, it has an incredible, built-in music software program called “Garageband”. Mac fans will instantly know what this is. Mom was quite excited to show me, as it can do absolutely nothing for her or my dad. This program allows you to develop, record, mix and burn songs directly onto CD. It allows up to 8 tracks that includes vocals with special effects like echo, reverb, and you can even assign a choir as back up!! It is simply amazing, and upon listening to the tutorials, seems to have good sound quality. You can correct wrong notes and tweak any part of the song you like. You can record a “loop” (small portion of the song that be endlessly repeated - usually for percussion etc) up to 3 times and assign “takes”, so you can listen to each one and see which one sounds the best. AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME!!!

Mom got it in her head that I could bring my keyboard over and use it. I’ll probably end up doing that, just because I’m so desperate to get my songs recorded, but will be limited on both time, and distraction. It’s going to be set up in their dining room. I’m like, “Mom, how am I supposed to concentrate with the kids running everywhere, and you listening to every note in the background? Not to mention the background interference that will be picked up!” Ooo, I’m having horrible flashbacks to “recording” Aunt Cele’s song in her living room. Yeah, you all have heard Hannah’s two cents on it! =) She offered to take the kids somewhere occassionally. Mmmhmm, that’s just not going to happen, best intentions aside. The whole thing is just very impractical.

My solution?? GET MY OWN MAC MINI!!!! So much easier, right? Huh? What’s that? OH, yeah, it costs $600. Well, that might be a problem for anyone less passionate than I am about having this dream come to fruition, and for those who DON’T know how to harness the power of intention and law of attraction. YEAH BABY!! I know you all are thinking, why would you get a whole new computer system just for one software program you can buy? Well, first, because as any mac user will tell you, those people are just DAMN proprietary! This program is ONLY compatible with Apple products. And, not only do I get a state of the art program, but a superior computer system as well! The kids would then get mine. Plus, it’s just a fantastic program that has everything I could want and more!

I’ve already downloaded the 100 page Garageband users manual, so I can familiarize myself with it. That way I can just get started right away when I get the mini. WHEN, people, not IF. =)

Another chapter in the Potty Training saga…

Well, it seems, I have nothing to worry about. Riley appears to be a porcelain prodigy! lol I just KNEW it would only take once, and it would be downhill from there. A couple of days ago, he FINALLY pee’d where he was supposed to!! Of course, there was much rejoicing…*waving tiny flag* yaaaaaaaay. Monty Python fans will appreciate that reference. Anyway, now he’s just letting me know when he has to go and does his thing all by himself! We’ve had a few mishaps with him sitting down and not quite getting his equipment pointed in the appropriate direction, but thrilling nonetheless. Ever since, he seems to prefer what many boys do in the beginning - sit backwards. I’m so HOPING we’ll continue this trend. With Hannah and Taylor, they did amazingly well at first, and then completely reversed for another year.